Having grown up in a Mixed Orientation family and having witnessed the damage it does to all members of the family I can’t understand why these marriage still happen today. The United States and the world is simply much more accepting of gay relationships and while marriage might still not be an option for a gay couple depending on where they live there is no reason that two men or two women can’t live together and raise a family. More to the point there is no good reason that a gay person needs to marry a straight person anymore.
Not that there ever was a good reason. I understand that many men and women felt pressured to marry in my parents generation. Nowadays the pressure to couple up and reproduce is hardly an issue anymore. A person can remain single and except for that person’s mother and father they probably get little more than a passing thought from friends.
So why is it still happening? Why would a man, there are far more gay men who marry a straight spouse than there are lesbians marrying straight men, choose to marry a woman knowing he was more than likely gay. I say this because, as my very unscientific poll demonstrates, most people know or at least think they are gay at a very young age. So why put a spouse and self through this?
Is it possible that gay men think they can really repress their urges to have sex with a male and have a fulfilling sexual relationship with a woman? It’s is one thing to try and fool yourself but quiet another to fool another person. Marrying a person who presumes you to be straight when in fact you have doubts is fraud plain and simple.
I suspect there is little thought put into the matter with regard for the straight spouse. If there were any concern for that person these marriages wouldn’t take place. Why would someone knowingly enter into a marriage under these circumstances? Can it be possible that they really don’t understand that when they do come out that they will tear the very fabric, of the one person they purportedly loved above all else, of their reality? There is no sucker punch quite like finding out your spouse is attracted to members of the same sex. There is no competing with that. No amount of dieting, botox, self help books, wardrobe changes or personal growth can change that. He just isn’t that into you.
I can’t help but think that the people who do marry a straight spouse, when they know they are attracted to members of the same sex, are pretty selfish and immature. Hiding behind a person so that you don’t have to admit that you are gay is pretty childish and thoughtless. While I don’t doubt that there is a love there and that a deeper one might even develop over time it still doesn’t justify a person basically using another person so that they don’t have to either admit who they are to themselves or be the person they really are to the world. And to think so little of the spouse, that they don’t deserve to be completely and fully loved for who they are not to mention the hell they will eventually be put through is really very cruel.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Although I never got married, I came close.
I think there is still a stigma against being gay. At least when I grew up. And you also hear the whole, “You just need to find a nice girl” story. And I know I really wanted to believe that. I prayed God would steer me to the right girl and then all of my attraction to men would be gone and I would be madly in love with this woman. Even though I knew this probably wouldn’t happen, there was always the slight hope that if I just had enough faith, things would work out. The women in the situation were not seen as being victims but as being saviors sent by God.
Hey Jen! My initial reaction to this post was upset, but as I read it again and thought about it, I saw a great deal of your pain and sadness at your own experience. Perhaps you will get some comments to this post that can help you work through this issue. A couple of points — you freely admit the “unscientic nature” of your poll on this matter. Take it from one who has been married and struggled with sexuality that is not easy for any of us. Before I married, my intended and I discussed my sexual history (a few gay experiences) and felt that it was something that was in the past — we were probably both fooling ourselves. The fact is that we were really in love. I did not marry to hide or for her to somehow change me. When the reality of sexuality reared its head in my life, we tried to work things out (an occasional night out, etc), but other issues pressed as well (finances, lack of maturity on both parts, etc) and we ended up divorcing. We actually remarried a couple of years later (figured out what a mistake that was real fast). The mistake had little to do with sex or sexuality — but with all those other old issues.
Remember that sexual orientation (or preference) is on a scale — it is usually not ALL or NOTHING, and sometimes moves along the 0-6 scale. Perhaps sometimes we fool ourselves and some perhaps try to fool others and the world.
As to the idea of society being so much more accepting, that is by and large a myth to those who are going through the journey to self discovery. Go to work and listen to the “fag” jokes; go anywhere in society and see all the heterosexual examples (PDA’s, talk of families, children, dates, events, all touted as the norm, and consider what implied impact that has on a searching person’s choices and thoughts). Also, I don’t think that the statement about more gay men being in marriages than lesbians is at all accurate. It has been my experience that a vast number of men and women have been on similar journeys.
If I could take back the hurt that my marriage put on myself, my ex, and my daughter, I would do it. There was never never never an intention to hurt, deceive, or otherwise negatively impact anyone’s life.
I wish you good luck and fresh insights as you journey through this maze of why and what happened and how could you do this to me. Perhaps on the other side, there will be some new understanding and a sense of peace.
Keep on writing and expressing. And remember that I for one truly appreciate your willingness to open yourself up with these things. God bless.
Nick, you make some wonderful points and if my parents had actually discussed any of this before they got married I think I would be singing a different tune. My mother knew nothing of my dads gay desires though he had admitted that he knew he was gay from about the age of 6 or 7. I don’t know how accurate that might really be but he knew something was up. They both grew up in a much more repressive time and discussions like that simply didn’t happen.
I have never struggled with my sexuality so I can’t fathom what it must be like. This doesn’t mean I don’t think it exists I just haven’t experienced it so can’t speak about it. I have however married someone because it was the right thing and the expected thing to do and that was a disaster. Though we both seemed to have escaped that marriage unscathed. Thank you for your insightful comment, you have given me a lot to think about.
Benton, I always had a problem with anyone being sent by God to save anyone. At one point my mother in law, now ex mother in law, said that my miscarriage was God’s way of waking my husband up and bring him to God. I thought that was pretty cruel of God to do and he showed little regard for me or my child. I took it with a grain of salt but it still irks me. I’m sorry that you believed that God wanted you to be different than who you really are. That must have been a horrible burden. I’m not qualified to talk about what God wants or doesn’t want but I am pretty sure he made us the way he wanted us to be…gay, straight, lefty, righty.
Hey Jen…
An obvious influence for many folks is the ex-gay movement, especially for those who are active in conservative Christian churches.
As people at Beyond Ex-Gay describe in their personal stories, the ex-gay movement coaches them to believe that change is possible, and the ultimate proof of change is marriage to a straight spouse.
Hey Bose,
You may be right though I thought the ex-gay movement or conversion was a newer thing, maybe it’s just gotten more press lately? Seems to me that change isn’t possible nor can I imagine desired for most people. If my dad could have changed he would and most of the guys who have been married who I have talked to say they would have changed in an instant if they could. Which I just find so terribly sad that there are so many people who would be willing to cut out a part of who they are. They shouldn’t have to conform the rest of the world should.
Jen, I won’t try to speak for others but, in my case, I did not marry to hide or escape from my sexuality. I knew that I had same-sex attractions from my early teens but I didn’t even consider that I might be gay until I was about 17. Even then, I looked for (and found) other plausible explanations for those attractions. As I am not 100% gay (I am able to function and enjoy sex with women), being gay was only one possibility. I identified as straight and saw my same-sex attraction as a little quirk. Marrying the woman that I loved seemed perfectly appropriate at the time. There was never any conscious attempt to deceive and I honestly did believe that my heterosexual identity was genuine. It was about 10 years before this understanding of my sexuality began to collapse and another 15 years before it collapsed completely.
For people like myself, who are not 100% gay, living in a society with a demonstrated preference for heterosexuality (and that is still the case today), identifying as straight is a much more attractive alternative that identifying as gay. I simply didn’t have a clue that sexual orientation is as powerful or as thoroughgoing as it is until I had been married for many years. By the time that I understood the damage that I had done to myself, my wife, and my children, the damage was already done.
Hey Jen.
I do think the issue is more complicated than it may seem. And while I agree that everyone should follow their own nature and act accordingly, unfortunately our society even today doesn’t readily allow that unless you live in a metropolitan area.
I feel the biggest lie being told is that sexuality is a choice. Whenever I have had someone ask me why I chose to be homosexual, I respond that the only thing I chose was to be honest. As long as people say and believe that sexuality is a choice, there will be homosexual men and women who marry people of the opposite sex in an attempt to live a “normal” life.
I became active in gay politics when I met too many young men who had survived suicide attempts. They could not reconcile their own feelings with the expectations of their family, their friends, their community. And rather than play the game, they chose to end their life. If my being out, loud and proud will keep one person from attempting suicide, then I have to be as visible as I can.
I could say as well that if my example keeps a gay person from marrying a straight person, then I need to be visible there as well.
Thanks for sharing your pain. I, too, hope that you are able to work through this issue. And I congratulate you for being so public with it.
Hugs,
Bryan
Thanks Bryan I don’t think its a choice either. And you are absolutely right that being out and proud and above all else honest is the way to end these marriages as well as reduce the suicide rate. I have known a few guys who killed themselves for this reason and it is such a shame. Thank you for being out there.
I agree that there is no choice in terms of the sexuality part (well, there is: be yourself or live a lie, but you can’t undo your sexuality).
Where there is a choice, unfortunately, for many is that they will lose/think they will lose many of their familial and platonic support network if they come out. On the one hand I can see the “You’re an adult, you can make your own way and start over” and on the other I can see the “It’s important to me to be loved and respected by all” point of view.
I can understand where for many that the threat of loss of their own family/community simply too big a risk (whether they live in a metropolitan or rural area).
I think Jen you will see less and less of these marriages in more open minded places but will still see them in closed minded areas but maybe less there as well. I never married, I always knew I am 100% gay and could never even fake one date with a girl. Yet there was still a great pressure and I can’t imagine what someone that was a bit confused would go through. Plus when you have your parents, teachers, minsters and even doctors saying to marry a woman and you will change to ‘normal’, what young man would think all these people who he looks up to, would be lying, and really were they lying or did they see the world through a straight person’s eyes.
SOOO,
I’ve heard many people tell me that their gay spouse confided in someone, usually a clergyman, prior to marriage and was assured that those “bad” feelings would go away and they would get the knack of it.
Were they lying? In some cases probably but in some cases were looking at the world from their own point of view, and a point of view dictated to them by their closely held beliefs.
I need advice and have no one to talk to about this. My brother, sister and I all know my dad is gay. He’s been married to my mom for forty years. We are unsure if she has a clue (she might). Either way, he is extremely depressed because he can’t be who he is and my mom is extremely lonely because she doesn’t understand why my dad isn’t romantic or a good communicator..etc. or what’s wrong with her. We think that this has gone on long enough and want to say something about it. We all love my dad, there’s no question about it, gay or straight he’s ours and an amazing father. We want to tell him that we know…we also want to tell/talk to my mom about it. They are both private people and we’re not sure what to do. It’s extremely awkward. We also don’t want to act like we’re “outing” my dad or telling on him. We just feel like the hurt/confusion is so strong on both ends.
Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!
anonymous,
If you and your siblings know your dad is gay it’s a good bet your mom does too. I’m not in a position to give any sort of advice since I don’t know the dispositions of your parents and I am not a therapist. I would suggest you suggest to your mom and dad to seek counseling. Does your dad know that you know he is gay? Have you talked about it with him? If you can talk to your dad that would be the place to start. Like most families in this situation yours is filled with silence and denial, it sucks. I wish you all the best and please keep me posted on how things go. j
well, as a man who went trough this experience, I can understand why some people are quick to judge, especially when they have a black and white, narrow view of such complex things as sexuality, love and finding your true life partner. In my case, I’m sure she was my true love.
I’d like life to be as simple as those people see it. unfortunately, in marriage, only those who are in it know the reality